see how it goes

You have days, like the other day, where you feel like things would have been easier if you’d stayed married.  You know you weren’t happy and you know it was hard been married but it was easier in a way, “better the devil you know then the one you don’t”. 

Being married – you knew what was happening, you knew how things were, you might not have like it, you might not have been happy but that’s how it was and you had accepted it, you just knew.  This life is full of the unknown and that’s really scary.  Being married wasn’t scary like that.  You might not have enjoyed it, didn’t laugh as much as you do now but it wasn’t this scary. 

Then you have days like today where you realise that you laugh more then you use to, you smile more then you use to and you love more then you use to, because you love yourself more.  You may have been scared but you stood up for yourself, you used your voice and were heard and listened to and you realise that people do listen to you cause you are worth listening too.  And people do love you for you, you don’t have to pretend to be someone your not and you don’t have to pretend to be happy because now you really are.  And you know that you are learning to overcome one of your biggest challenges – being alone – because you know that you are not a lone.  And that being in your own company isn’t as scary as you first thought it was. 

You start to really believe that you are going to be ok, and that your life is going to be ok.  You start to have faith in your self and those around you because you are learning to accept yourself for who you truly are – a beautiful being.  And you also start to accept that its ok to not have a man in your life because you don’t want to lose yourself again, just when you start to find you, having a man is fun, so long as you don’t lose yourself again.

Yeah married life was easier in a way then this life, because you knew how things were.  But this life is about me, this life is about learning and accepting me, this life is about loving me because the more I love myself the more love will come to me.

I feel I have come along way in the last nine months.  I don’t regret anything.  The next nine months might be scary but you know I can do it, and it is exciting.

I laugh more and its fantastic, I love it so much; days like this make it all worthwhile and the future doesn’t seem quite so scary.

so worked out that im clingy, its not very nice, but at least theres a name for it and i can do something about it. i remember being like this with Clint, how sad is that. i remember living in bank street, so this was not long after i moved over and i was home alone a lot because he was off drinking with this mates and i still didnt know to many people. cried a few times about it, dont remember thinking id made a mistake moving over. i was just so in love and thought he loved me, little did i know ey. i remember buying our first xmas tree by myself because he was playing touch and he didnt invite me down. and i remember feeling like i do now with marc. kind of a hopless feeling, like im out of control, like i have to hold on tight or it will disappear. and i remember that i felt like that for a long long time, i remermber one friday it must have been, i had had chelsea and for some reason things werent going to well, maybe she hadnt been sleeping cause she was in the push chair. he came home and dropped his car off and cat picked him up to go back to work for drinks. i remember asking him … crying not to go, but he left anyway. so the more he did that the more clingy i got. with marc, hes very independant and i dont know how to deal with that. i got use to clint needing me, not necessarily wanting me but needing me and now i dont have that. tony needed me which is why i wasnt clingy. marc doesnt need me, he wants me haha far out. but in saying that he also wants to hold onto his freedom. i just haha i just i just i just, im favourite saying for myself at the moment. i would like to overcome my clingyness and be independant emotionally. im independant in every other aspect of my life especially physcially, when it comes to emotionally im not, especially in relation to men. it does help to understand me and why im like this, it helps to understand why marc and tony have come into my life and why marc has come back into my life. he wants me and i still have a lesson to learn.  it will take time to overcome it tho. but i can help myself and i intent to do that, read my book again.  spend some time alone, do stuff by myself.  i want to go shopping again, should do it by myself.  thinking about going to kaiaua tomorrow night, im in two minds about asking debbie to come.  im kind of thinking i need to go by myself, do some thinking.  positive affimations work too ‘i love and approve of myself’  and im going to look at doing that class with marion, heal the inner child.  hopefully that will be helpfull.  will have to get details.  t

till next time, good night

why am I so insecure??? its sux big time. text marc tonight and of course he replied but he said at the end, have a good night will see you tomorrow. my being my insecure self thinks it the brush off. i just so want to cling to someone, to make me feel good and happy. i know that im tired had next to no sleep last night because I was thinking shit. and now i start the bull shit with marc, cause im home alone and want someone to entertain me and make me feel good cause i cant do it myself. why is it so bad to be by myself??? when will i get over it, cause i hate it i dont like feeling like this, feeling like i have to have someone in my life to make me happy. i know i dont, i just cant get it for some reason. i do so much want a man in my life cause they fix everything dont they. and now tony is messaging me and then i start to feel better cause im not alone anymore. see when i was seeing tony it was all good cause he use to contact me everynight and during the day.i dont get that from marc, its not that marc doesnt care, i know he does, hes just are far more secure person then i am and doenst need the contact. i do need it and its also nice to have. are all men like that???? maybe tony was the exception and not marc. i know im the exception more then anything, im insecure about men. just spoke to cynthia, she confirmed a few things for me, it sux being alone, marc is scared of getting attached, i thought that all along and she things he really like me. I have felt that for a while too. its funny, now that i have spoken to someone about it all I feel so much better. i would so like to have someone in my life now that is committed but i also know that it would be for the wrong reasons.

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